Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just pee around me
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
