I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
