Where did you get a picture of my penis
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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