Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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