Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
