I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
