good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
