she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
