my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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