Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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