God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
