she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
