Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
