I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
