Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
