You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize