i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
