dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
