my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
