take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
