He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
