Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
