Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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