Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
