I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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