is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
