Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
