They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
