New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
