whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
