What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
