Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
