i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
