My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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