I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
