okay pat passed out under dana's car
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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