He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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