I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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