hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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