An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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