Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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