Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
