Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize