Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
