One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
