I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
