I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This is the high leading the old right now
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
