is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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