It's a beautiful day for a hangover
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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