I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
