Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Randomize
