Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
