I think I won the penis lottery.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
