I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He better not be in your backpack
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
