i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
