Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
