Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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