I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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