I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
