My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
