Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
