You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
